Grief and loss

The Quran describes loss as a test, and tells believers what to say when it comes: "Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will all return" (Quran 2:156). In Arabic this is *Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un*. Muslims say it on hearing of a death, and at smaller losses too.

Umm Salamah, whose husband had just died, was taught to add a short prayer: "O Allah, reward me for my affliction and give me something better than it in exchange" (Sahih Muslim 918a). She later said Allah did exactly that.

When the Prophet's baby son Ibrahim died, the Prophet (peace be upon him) wept. He said: "The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord" (Sahih al-Bukhari 1303).

So crying is allowed, and so is a heavy heart. What Muslims avoid is wailing, tearing clothes, harming yourself, or words of anger against Allah. The clinicians Najwa Awad and Sarah Sultan write for Yaqeen Institute that grief is not a sign of weak faith. The prophets grieved, and people who loved Allah deeply still felt loss.

If someone tells you to "just be patient" while you are crying, they may mean well. Patience (sabr (용어집)) is about how you hold the pain, not about feeling nothing.

A hadith says a believing woman may not mourn anyone for more than three days, except her husband (Sahih al-Bukhari 1280). Shaykh Yusuf Badat of Mathabah Institute explains this as mourning that pauses normal life. The hadith is worded for women, and scholars explain how it applies to everyone else, so ask a teacher how it applies to you.

This limit is about outward mourning, not feelings. Nobody expects you to stop missing someone after three days.

A widow has her own waiting period (iddah) of four months and ten days (Quran 2:234). The schools differ on the details, such as when she may leave the home, go to work and wear adornment. A widow should ask a scholar about her own situation, and her community should help her with shopping and errands during this time. Yaqeen Institute's series For Those Left Behind has an episode on the widow and the iddah.

Visit, call or message soon, and keep it simple. You do not need perfect words. *Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un* and "May Allah have mercy on him" or "on her" are enough when the person who died was Muslim.

• Bring a meal, or offer to organise meals for the first days.
• Offer practical help: calls, childcare, lifts to the masjid or cemetery.
• Listen more than you talk.
• Keep checking in after the first week, when the visitors stop.

Yaqeen Institute's series has an episode on condolences if you want to learn more.

Your prayers keep helping the person you lost. Yaqeen Institute gathers several duas from the Sunnah:

• "O Allah, forgive him and have mercy on him" (*Allahumma ighfir lahu warhamhu*), from the Prophet's funeral prayer (Sahih Muslim 963a). Say "her" (*laha warhamha*) for a woman.
• The Prophet's prayer for Abu Salamah, asking Allah to forgive him, raise his rank and fill his grave with light (Sahih Muslim 920a).
• A funeral prayer dua (용어집) for the living and the dead among the Muslims (Sunan Ibn Majah 1498, graded Hasan).
• For parents: "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they raised me when I was young" (Quran 17:24).

You can also make dua in your own words and in any language. If the person you lost was not Muslim, see our questions page for what scholars say about praying for them.

Visiting a Muslim grave is a way to make dua for the person and to remember the next life. Keep the visit quiet and simple. How and when women visit graves is discussed by scholars, and Yaqeen Institute's series has an episode on it. Ask your masjid about the cemetery's rules, such as visiting hours.

Grief does not only follow a death. Awad and Sultan describe grief after losing safety, a relationship or a future you hoped for. Many converts grieve the family closeness or the traditions they had before. That grief is real too, and it deserves the same gentleness.

Grief is natural, and most people slowly find their feet. Sultan and Awad list signs that it is time to get professional help:

• you cannot manage daily life, such as work, meals or sleep, for a long time
• you feel hopeless
• you think a lot about death or wish you were dead

Talk to your doctor, or ask for a counsellor. Seeing a therapist is not a failure of faith. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide or are worried about someone, call or text 9-8-8, any time, day or night. Our mental health page lists more Canadian support.